Life With Boys

Sounds like a Billy Joel lyric doesn’t it?

Now why you ask is it I am eating sauerkraut at 3 a.m.? Can’t sleep, again. Want to devour and entire bag of Doritos or Cheetos or lick a salt block, but this will just have to do. You see if I were to pop some popcorn it would raise the dead (Morgan & Tyler) and then I’d have to share and probably watch Pokemon. Can’t handle the prospect of that right now.

Doesn’t seem I can handle much lately. I’m playing musical meds again (which I hate) still trying to find the right combo that doesn’t make me want to jump off a bridge with side effects. The latest, Abilify, worked really well — drawback, night sweats so heavy I was changing clothes a few times a night and oh there’s also that 15 pounds I managed to gain in a month (another reason for the sauerkraut — did you know it only has 5 calories per serving, of course there are 14 servings in a can, and yes I’ve eaten the whole thing, but think of all that fiber!) Of course most people don’t have these reactions to drugs, but no, not me, if there is a chance of a side effect I will get it three-fold. Now I’m backing off Zoloft (the companion to Abilify this month) and will be headed back onto Lexapro. The worst part is that there is about a five week transition where everything is pretty much screwed up as I come off one drug and build up enough of the new one in my system to tell if it is going to work.

But this is the best I can do for the meantime until a new class of drugs is developed (I’m on the list for clinical trials if any are a good fit, but so far no.) Or I could consider electric shock therapy which means treatments a few times a week for a few months and oh by the way you’re not allowed to drive during the length of the treatments — thank you, no.

And it’s during these in between periods that I know I truly have depression as a disease. For some, bouts of depression can be triggered by events, treated and never be heard from again. For me, I fall back into an abyss where I know how good my life is, how wonderful my husband and children are; I know how fortunate I am to have loving friends and family; but it doesn’t stop the cloud from enveloping everything around me. From wanting to push everyone away and eat sauerkraut in the dark.

I write this not to make you sad, or as a cry for help, but to maybe help some of you out there understand. This is a real disease, with real symptoms, with real implications to health that must in my case be treated, by a professional (or a team of them). I will continue to play the treatment game until I find the right solution, and I know I will find it someday.