Life With Boys

OK — promised you this one a bit ago. This is based on actual experience (mine) and should have you rolling your eyes by the end.

So, Morgan is invited to a birthday party for BOY — actually 20 boys between late 2’s and late 4’s are invited (there are only two girls in his class and either they couldn’t attend or weren’t asked to). Said party is to last from 1 pm to 5 pm — yes, 20 boys, 4 hours, pouring rain outside.

BOY’S Mom whisks boys into the VERY EXPENSIVE living room complete with leather couches and a TV bigger than my car so everyone can quietly sit and watch Cars until all of the guests arrive. Yeah, you guessed it, that lasted all of 30 seconds before they were running around again.

So BOY’S Mom announces it’s time for food — now let me state she has two little boys, so she should have some idea what she is doing but no — on the menu (and I’m not kidding): Beef brisket, clam chowder, green bean casserole, rolls and those little weenies wrapped in crescent rolls (bet you can never guess what she didn’t have enough of can you?)

After food BOY’S Mom announces it is time for a craft — so trampling down the basement steps we go — where boys are promptly told not to touch the sports memorabilia collection that is stacked in a state of temptation around the room; we’re talking bats, autographed balls, jerseys, all in little people reach. The “craft” making name tags — yes name tags to be produced by kids who can’t write or spell yet.

Now it’s time for games — they have a blow-up bouncing thing that only one person can be in at a time so all 20 boys are pushing ahead for a spot, she tries to distract them with bowling, bowling that you have to set up over and over and over again. This is supposed to take 2 hours.

About 30 minutes later everyone has had exactly one minute apiece to jump. It’s back upstairs for presents, where BOY’S Mom instructs 20 little boys to make a nice, quiet circle on the floor so BOY can open his presents in front of everyone. And she wonders why the circle keeps getting smaller and smaller and she just can’t keep track of what toy came from who and BOY did you say thank you to your special friend for the lovely gift you just threw down? Now everyone please take three big scoots back.

I’m on sensory overload at this point in a major way.

It’s time for Cake. And amazingly she got this part right. And where was BOY’S Dad this whole time — making sure the other adult male guests were well supplied with Beer.

After cake she indicated it was time to finish watching Cars. We politely said our thanks yous and escaped as quickly as is humanly possible.