Life With Boys

To say I’ve been in a low place is an understatement. But first let me explain a few things … I’ve been seeking assistance to help with depression since 1999 — where at that point I would drive along the highway and wonder if I was to be killed at that moment, how would that affect the people around me in a positive way? And I think I battled it for a long time before that without really accepting what was going on.

At the point I first sought treatment I started a regimen of prozac — which made me so tired I slept 15+ hours a day. Prozac is part of a family of SSRI’s and the trick with the family of drugs is that they can take up to 6 weeks to really know if they are having any effect at all. And if it’s not, then you taper off one drug and start the roller-coaster all over again. And there are sometimes you get to the top of the six weeks and the drug is working ok, but the side-effects are more than you can handle, so you make the trade of treatment to the side effects.

Since that initial prozac trial I’ve been on just about every drug available (You name it — prozac, zoloft, cymbalta, wellbutrin, cylexa, effexor (an evil, evil drug), lamictal, paxil, lexapro — sometimes alone, sometimes in combination with another) and in the end having maxed out the dosage, have it not take enough of an effect or playing the game to alleviate or deal with side effects (mild stuff like excessive sleepiness, sleeplessness, dry mouth, weight gain, dizziness, inability to concentrate, countless sexual side effects to the more serious feelings of being completely numb, to fits of rage and uncontrollable anger and let’s not forget the recent trip to the hospital to treat Stephen Johnson’s syndrome triggered by Lamictal — a .03 chance of having any reaction)

The combo of the moment is Wellbutrin and Luvux — problem is I’m in that down part of the cycle where I know the drugs are not yet working and I know that my symptoms, this disease is real. I’ve not hit this low in a very long time and unfortunately a co-worker I respect very much witness my descent to the bottom yesterday.

It started as something small (a comment from something else) but it opened the flood gates I’ve worked so hard to keep closed. I cried until I lost my contact, until I couldn’t see straight, till I wanted to throw up. Even after a session with my therapist there was no end in sight, so now to help me cope we’ve added Xanax (a tranquilizer) to the mix until I can get things under slightly more control.

In the meantime I’ve turned to comfort foods and a desperate wish that no one else has to go though this. It’s hard on my family and especially the people you love who are forced to endure this never ending cycle and wonder where the person they fell in love with has gone and when, if ever will they be back. I wonder the same thing everyday.